REBELIOUS TEEN DAUGHTER - BABYS WITH MOMS AWOL- BLAME SHIFT TO DAD - DAUGHTER & DAD LOOSE EACH OTHER

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Seemed like almost overnight my adopted daughter, now in her teens, began to turn our happy, normal home into chaos.

My only wife already had her two year old daughter when we married. 

She is not my natural daughter, but I adopted her, a year later, at about 3 years old.

I state that I, and we, tried to do a good job of raising her. 

A little Bible reading at the dinner table, Sunday school and church attendance, church youth groups, and Christian school.

Some of this was to deliberately keep her unavailable and away from a few unruly neighborhood kids.

We were successful at this.

But, seems like beginning around the mid-teen point our daughter rapidly turned our decent family home into a war zone.

I know lots of folks say – well – that’s just what normal teens are like.

I don’t buy this.  I have seen careful parents who have no such problems.

Furthermore, my four sons have no such problems.

It cannot be just, girls that are that different – I thought.

Being the man of the family, the blame-game among relatives, and even my wife, increasing took direct aim at me.

But, as I said to myself, I could not figure out what I was doing wrong – not that I’m perfect.

Around Christian circles for many years I had soaked up lots of parenting advice, and was applying it.

The problem was so disruptive to our home and lives, that we determined, we had to move her out, somehow.

Thank God, close relatives, the woman being a trained social worker, took her in for two years.

When she returned to us she was manageable, but that’s about all.

Years went by.  I was still in the dark – still assumed by the family to be the one that caused the problem.

Then, in God’s providence (I don’t believe in “chance,”)  God began to shed light on this thing.

Jesus Christ said in Matthew 10:29,30:

Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father. (Fathers will) But the very hairs of your head are all numbered.

God brought several magazine articles to my attention.

Karl Zinsmeister wrote, Hard Truths About Day Care, Reader's Digest, October, 1988.

In this article about “non-parental” child care -- he states – don’t place a child below age three in any alternative child care.

Wow –  he basically says -- IF YOU DO, YOU ARE LIKELY TO GET THE KIND OF BEHAVIOR WE WERE EXPERIENCING FROM OUR TEENAGE DAUGHTER.

YES, WOW, I SAID – NOW, I’M BEGINNING TO SEE WHAT MAY HAVE HAPPENED.

MY, THEN, WIFE TO BE IN TWO YEARS, HAD BECOME A BRAND NEW, HAVE TO WORK-FULL-TIME, MOM, WITH NO RELATIVES IN TOWN TO HELP.

SHE FELT SHE HAD NO OTHER CHOICE BUT TO PLACE HER ONE MONTH OLD DAUGHTER WITH AN IN-HOME DAY CARE.

I WAS NOW VERY VERY SURE THIS WAS THE TRUE CAUSE OF MUCH OF THE DISRUPTION WHICH ENTERED OUR HOME AS MY DAUGHTER BECAME A TEEN. 

SEVERAL OTHER MAGAZINE ARTICLES HAVE INCREASED MY BELIEF IN THIS REGARD.

I should say, I do not blame my daughter, she is a victim, as I believe I am.

MY DAUGHTER AND I HAD A WARM, CLOSE, AND PROPER FATHER-DAUGHTER RELATIONSHIP BEFORE ALL THIS

HER BIOLOGICAL DAD, WHOM SHE HAS VISITED SEVERAL TIMES, IS POOR, AND HIS OWN FAMILY TAKES PRIORITY, ANYWAY. 

HE IS REALLY NO DAD FOR HER.

VERY SADLY, OUR WARM, CLOSE, DAD-DAUGHTER RELATIONSHIP CAME TO BE, AND STILL IS, COLD AND DISTANT. 

I HAVE MENTIONED THIS BRIEFLY TO MY WIFE, BUT NOT TO OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS.

THEY WOULD HAVE DIFFICULTY EVEN BELIEVING IT TO BE THE TRUTH – THEY COULD THINK IT A “STORY” SINCE THEY HAVE CONVINCED THEMSELVES I AM REALLY TO BLAME.

FURTHER, IT HURTS MY WIFE, HAVING TO GO BACK TO THE AGONY OF PUTTING A NEW BABY WITH A STRANGER, ALL DAY, DAY AFTER DAY.

SO, SADLY, MY DAUGHTER HAS TO A LARGE EXTENT LOST THE ONLY GOOD CHANCE OF HAVING A DAD IN THIS LIFE.

AND I, HAVING NO OTHER LIVING DAUGHTERS, HAVE TO A LARGE EXTENT LOST MY ONLY DAUGHTER.

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Karl Zinsmeister's much more extensive article, The Problem With Daycare, The American Enterprise, May/June 1998, can be found at The Liz Library.

His article is 30 pages long, but worth, at least skimming, and indeed, worth reading in its entirety.

With many quotes, he does a very thorough job of covering the serious problems with daycare.

While the long term affects of putting babies in full day, daycare, vary, I am confident I, in large measure, finally found the main reason behind my daughter's rebelliousness.

I am not perfect, but I know I did a reasonably knowledgeable and conscientious job of being a Dad.

CAUTION MUST BE USE IN ANY ARTICLES ON THIS SUBJECT.

Many professionals see, as Zinsmeister and others experts well note, it as a big “political correctness NO NO" to EVER suggest a woman should stay home and take care of her children, or to make her feel guilty for putting her kids in daycare.

One must watch out for FUDGING, BIG TIME in the politically correct direction in these articles.

In a New York Times 11/1/2005 article, 3 New Studies Assess Effects of Child Care, we have, “Four years ago, the nation's most ambitious and longest-running child care study sparked a firestorm with its findings that 4½-year-olds who had spent more than 30 hours a week in child care were more demanding, more aggressive and more noncompliant than others, regardless of the type or quality of care, the family's socioeconomic status, or the sensitivity of the mother's parenting."

Now a new report from that research - the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development's Study of Early Child Care - has tracked the same children through early elementary school and found that by third grade, those who had spent long hours in child care continued to score higher in math and reading skills and that their higher likelihood of aggressive behavior had dissipated. But it also found that they still had poorer work habits and social skills.

NOTE how one big study, (see underlined sentences above), produced a “firestorm.“

So, what did the "experts" DO -- WHY, SURE, NO PROBLEM -- make a NEW study, of course.

Mark Twain said, “There are liars, damn liars, and statisticians!”

Another saying is, “Figures don’t lie, but liars figure."

Let me say it this way.

Professional child care “experts” early in their careers, especially working for large agencies, are likely to be under CONSIDERABLE pressure to be “politically correct” and avoid saying ANYTHING contrary to women working outside the home and putting their children in daycare.

Early in their careers they are vulnerable.

Whereas, those fully secure in their positions, like those self employed, or near retirement, are freer to call the situation the way the data demands.

Toward the end of this web page, I have a quote from Zinsmeister's article where this same serious concern is expressed among professionals.

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In a NEWSWEEK essay, “MY TURN,” quite a few years back, a Seattle in-home day care lady talked about the trials and tribulations of being a day care provider.

She talks about SHARING YOUR CHILD’S LOVE. 

She says,  “One lady took her children out of my care (get this) when they BEGGED TO COME OVER (TO THE DAY CARE LADY’S HOUSE) ON HER (MOM'S) DAYS OFF.

She tells several similar stories. 

And her “bottom line” is basically – biological Mom needs to get used to the idea of “sharing her children’s love" with the DE FACTO (MY WORDS) MOM, the day care lady.

My wife looks back with heartache to those same kind of days.

She tells how our infant daughter having a bad dream, or some other problem would cry for JENNIFER.

JENNIFER IS NOT MY WIFE’S NAME.

SO, HER HURT, IN LOOKING BACK TO THOSE TIMES.

FINALLY WE GOT MARRIED, AND AFTER 2 YEARS, FOR HER FIRST TIME, SHE BECAME A FULL TIME, STAY AT HOME MOM.

ANOTHER MAGAZINE ARTICLE I READ “CHILDREN WITHOUT CONSCIENCES:”

THE IDEA IS THAT A YOUNG CHILD NEEDS THAT “BONDING” THING WITH A REAL MOM WHO IS GOING TO BE AVAILABLE FOR A MATER OF YEARS.

One problem with daycare is the constant turnover of providers.

If children don’t that bonding they can become CHILDREN WITHOUT CONSCIENCES.

They can be capable of doing horrible things.

We see that as, in the articles above, just when biological MOM realizes, day care MOM is winning the heart of the child – she says to herself, “ I can’t let that happen,” and boom, changes day care ladies.

So, now what happens to that critical “bonding” thing.

Seems to me it gets stomped.

There was a recent court conviction, somewhere in the U.S. of a, I think, a fifteen year old girl getting a life sentence in prison for brutally killing a 9 year old girl several years ago.

I don’t know the 15 year old's history, but this is exactly what this last article, “children without conscious” is talking about.

Humans are extremely complex things.

God is the only one, who is really, smart enough to manage our affairs.

CAN WE EFFECTIVELY DO AWAY WITH BABIES BONDING TO REAL MOMS AND GET AWAY WITH IT GENERATION AFTER GENERATION.

WHAT IF THIS THING WERE TRUE OF half our population?

Young folks should be told about daycare problems, so they can plan ahead.

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Several other factors come to mind regarding my daughter and I.

There was an incident when she was 12 or 13.

We were at a relative's house with some people seated around the dining room table.

I was seated near the edge of the room.

My daughter came over and plopped herself in my lap.

She, and, we, had not been in the habit of this as she was, as I say, 12 or 13, that is, becoming a young woman.

I felt awkward, but I did not want to rebuff her show or desire for affection.

I think one of the women present said she should come and sit elsewhere.

It was a situation of utmost delicacy.

Some person or persons bungled the job in speaking to here later on this extremely delicate matter.

Neither of us was guilty of anything.

It is true my daughter needed to understand she was becoming a young women and should not be sitting in my lap.

But, it was handled clumsily, and she was made to "feel dirty."

I was not consulted and heard about it later.

I do not know if this played any significant part in the picture.

Another thing of great importance is a wife's reaction to things, as observed by the kids.

Being around Christian circles as a young man, I picked up on a lot of marital advice.

I heard a tape, where a missionary's child, noted that some of her friends had negatives about their father being a missionary, because he was away so much.

But, she realised she did NOT have this negative attitude.

As she thought about it, she remembered how her mother would pray with them for their Dad, being away.

She remembered how her mother would say, "aren't we lucky we have a Dad who is being used of God in an important way".

So, this child's attitude had NOT come from her Dad's situation, but rather from her Mother's positive attitude toward it.

My wife comes from a home where her mother wore the pants in the family.

In a very real sense, my wife and I were BOTH raised to manhood. 

I think this is an increasingly common problem.

As I say elsewhere at this site, that God designed male and female to be differential and complimentary.

And God designed manhood and womanhood to be differential and complimentary in the social realm.

So that they two fit together physically and socially, rather than being competitive.

I try to emphasize my wifes good points and play down any faults, when talking with others about her.

I thank God she is frugal. She never runs up credit card debt.  I like her cooking, and housekeeping too.

But, I don't feel she does much of the same favor to me. My children have not seen much glowing praise from her, regarding me.  I really do do some decent things.

My paternal grandfather was not great in ordinary ways. He did provide for his family.

But when he prayed, and in his interests seen in his conversations, he was a man of deep, and genuine faith in Jesus Christ.

But, my grandmother never had a positive word to say about him.  She did have some negative ones.

My Dad and my Uncle never came to Jesus Christ -- I've never seen any such interest in them.

They grew up when evolution was absolute king, and the Scopes trial, and science in general ridiculed Christianity and the Bible.

A mother has tremendous influence -- I would almost say -- of sending the children down the paths to heaven or hell.

Along a somewhat different but related line.

I was around a non-church Christian group, while single, and in the military.

There was a local conference coming up, and among other classes there was to be a class for young marrieds.

But, teachers from elsewhere were not available, so the class was cancelled.

But, folks had said that there was a need for such a class -- and we understand God does meet needs.

So, why the cancellation - why did God not meet this need.

As, I thought about it, there were several older bachelors who were very knowledgeable in the Bible.

The Apostle Paul and his protege Timothy were both single, and yet plainly they instructed married folks.

I believe that local leaders could NOT even imagine having single guys teach the class for young marrieds.

I believe God did in fact supply the need, but the humanistic misconceptions of local leaders prevented them from accepting God's provision.

There is a danger in having married teachers teach marrieds.

There is the danger of unwittingly teaching on the basis of practical experience, which can be wrong, rather than from the Bible alone.

A single man, highly expert in the Bible, can more easily avoid this, since he is not presumed to have a practical experience.

Of course, we all grew up in our parent's houses, and we all have married friends and siblings.  We all have some experience.

Paul warned Timothy to beware of "old wives tales."

Ephesians 4:32 is such great advice for getting along with one another, in marriage, and outside marriage:

And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

Jesus said, He that believeth on me, as the
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scripture hath said, out of his belly shall flow rivers of living water -- Gospel of John 7:37.

I quote the following from Karl Zinsmeister's lengty (but well worth reading) article:

I took the liberty of underlining, regarding my experience, key points, and changing paragraph breaks.

"Burton White, former director of the Harvard Preschool Project and one of the world's leading authorities on the first three years of life, has also written explicitly on the subject of nonparental care.

"After more than 30 years of research on how children develop well, I would not think of putting an infant or toddler of my own into any substitute care program on a full-time basis," he reports, "especially a center-based program."

White suggests that except for occasional baby-sitting, parents ought not use substitute care at all during the first six months of a child's life. A newborn "has to be responded to intensely in this period."

From six months to three years of age, he says, the parent can use some part-time child-care, but the youngster should spend most of his waking time with a parent or grandparent.

White concludes, "Unless you have a very good reason, I urge you not to delegate the primary child-rearing task to anyone else during your child's first three years of life.... Babies form their first human attachment only once.

Babies begin to learn language only once.... The outcomes of these processes play a major role in shaping the future of each new child."

After studying hired child care in depth, in both its non-profit and for-profit forms, White pronounces it "a total disaster area," with "no feasible way of turning it into a model industry."

Most families will find only "pretty poor substitutes" for parental care when they look outside the home, he warns.

Therefore, "government should resist the cries for free full-time substitute baby care for all who want it."

If you are surprised to learn of this consensus against early full-time daycare, there is a good reason:

Political fashions have made criticisms of daycare so off-limits that unfavorable evidence has been muted, downplayed, or ignored, in academic circles and mass media both.

Michael Meyerhoff, director of the Center for Parent Education, explains that "over 90 percent of the professionals we deal with would agree with our basic position -- that full-time substitute care for children under age three is not ordinarily in the best interests of the child.

But many of these professionals are involved in situations where it's economically or politically unrealistic to maintain that position. Because of the strong attacks they'd be likely to get, many people are not saying anything."

Penelope Leach warns parents "there is a cover-up going on." The deep need of young children for individual care is seldom stated publicly and unequivocally for "fear of upsetting the parents who don't provide it." This, says Leach, is a serious error on the part of responsible authorities."

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Jesus Christ, by his life, word and actions confirmed the authority and accuracy of the Bible.

Jesus Christ said in the New Testament Gospel book of John 14:8-10:

8 Philip saith unto him, Lord, show us the Father, and it sufficeth us.

9 Jesus saith unto him, Have I been so long time with you, and yet hast thou not known me, Philip? he that hath seen me hath seen the Father; and how sayest thou then, Show us the Father?

10 Believest thou not that I am in the Father, and the Father in me? the words that I speak unto you I speak not of myself: but the Father that dwelleth in me, he doeth the works.

Most modern Bible teachers and preachers say God does not have a body, and that he is neuter.

This is horribly wrong. God is a spirit WITH a magnificent spirit body -- AND HE IS A MALE BEING.

Male and neuter are mutually exclusive. If one manages to embrace the fictitious, myth, of God the Neuter, that person automatically rejects the true God of the Bible, and of Jesus Christ WHO IS GOD THE FATHER (A STRAIGHT MALE BEING).

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